Since last I wrote I have begun to breath easier. I went to the OB’s office and had a check up. Everything looks good they said. There is no reason why I can’t get pregnant again the doctor told my husband and I.
However they would like us to wait until the fall to start trying. Well I’ll leave the planning to God/dess to tell me when the right time is.
The doctor was able to tell me what had happend with my baby. Basically she had a chromosome count of 96 which we are supposed to have 46 (i think that’s correct). So I was told that it wasn’t anything that I did or could have done to keep my baby. Since now I know that the baby was a girl. I can now give her a name other than Blueberry I introduce you to my daughter Elizabeth. I feel a bit better to know that there was a reason for the loss. I don’t think that I could have been able to live with out a reason. When you can see that you weren’t the cause of the loss you still hurt but at least you stop blaming yourself every time you think of the baby.
I finally was able to post the last podcast which correlates to my last post. I thought that I could get through it without crying but that was to much to ask. I didn’t really edit the show because it was very hard to again relive the entire experience. The reason why I wrote and told of my story was because I wanted to help others and also to help myself by getting some of the hurt energy and feelings out. Also if I got a few of you to pray for me and others like me then I think having to tell the story was worth it.
So now I can tell you that I have done quite of bit of healing. Not complet but using our faith I have been able to cry and get strength from the Goddess. knowing that she could feel my pain as a woman and from God knowing that he is there for me as my father.
Some of what I have been doing is listening to tranquil music. Using incense to induce relaxation. Not fighting the feelings to cry but letting it out as they come. Talking to people who love me (which makes me cry some of the time). Plus looking forward to the future has been HUGE for me. I would like too have another baby but I’m ok with waiting till God and Goddess thinks it’s the best time for me. I’m 37 so time is an issue but at the same time if I don’t have another, I will be ok. I have two wonderful kids that are healthy and that’s all i can ask for.
***TMI= A friend of mine who also had a miscarriage asked me if I was having sex yet, and at first I wasn’t sure if I was going to answer her, but I flet like I knew that she must have had a reason for asking. So I did tell her that yes I was and that I had waited the allotted time the doctor recommended. She had her miscarriage a long time ago. About a year and she still felt awkward when she was with her husband. She said she felt like she was not supposed to feel that kind of happiness when she was still grieving for the loss of her baby. She still wants to have a child badly but she says she doesn’t want to stop thinking about the baby she lost… I only told her that she didn’t have to feel like she was abandoning her memory to her baby by moving forward with her life. Plus i also let her know that having relations with your husband is a good thing. That having that intimacy is also a bonding for the both of you that can only strengthen your relationship. Not to mention, I ask her if she had thought about how her husband felt about how their sex life was going… She apparently had a conversation with him about it and come to find out that he began to feel as if he was somehow being blamed for what happened with the baby, or that she thought that he blamed her for the loss (neither was the case). Since she was closing herself off to him he felt life their relationship was at an end. Glad we had that talk.
My husband was quick to let me know that although he was devastated that Blueberry was gone, he didn’t want me to think that I was to blame and he also wanted me to know that we will be having another baby.. That made me feel good to know that he still wanted me. So the lovings have commenced and it has made us closer to have gone through such a horrific situation and are still able to share a wonderful moment of love together.
Blessed be
Luna Noir
Luna Noirs' The Witches Cupboard 