Archive for the Wavering Category

How it’s going

Posted in Affirmations, Arizona, children, excitement, Faith, Feeling good, God and Goddess Worship, Good energy, help, home, job, Life, luck, magic, Magick, manifestation, Spells, tarot, travel, Wavering, Witch, Witchcraft with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 7, 2014 by Luna Noir The Witches Cupboard

calm clear composed I know  its been a while but things have finally gotten stable again. I am in a good place and I’m ready to start recording again. I actually bought a great microphone and I just have to remember how to post a podcast again and then I’m back! I’m not expecting many people to still be there, however there have been so many personal responses to my inbox that those of you who are there, I’m glad to be back with you. So the short of it is. My husband found gainful employment!!! We are in a new safe car for us and the kids, and we hope to go to our first mini vacation to San Diego next month. Since we live in Arizona and still are not in the position to do a big vacation.

We will be driving to the coast and playing at the beach with the kids who have never seen the ocean in person. I plan to give an offering to the spirits of the sea as a thank you for all the blessing that I have received.  Not sure what I will be doing but you know that I will be sharing once I know. So we will have a day in the sun, and stay the  night over there and then drive back. I know there are some people who are either saying big deal, or LUCKY!!! to the big dealers, it is a big deal since not everyone can afford to ever vacation, my family being one of them.

We have never been on a vacation as a family, my last vacation I went on was cut short due to fear of dengue fever while i was pregnant with my first child (17 years ago). When we came back we both lost  our jobs because of downsizing… For those of you who are thinking we are lucky, well luck is not a factor this time. This entire year I have worked some serious candle magic practically every day for a year.

You can read below to see what my husband and I were doing. We made vision boards and positive thinking. Even when it seemed that we would be kicked out of our rental. NOTHING and I mean NOTHING was more important then being positive. It was crazy sometimes to feel happy even when we thought that we wouldn’t be able to afford milk or diapers for our youngest, we were just happy that our two teens at least went to school and could eat there. That’s how deep it got. But always some how we were able to find work (my husband did any way). The rent got paid the food was bought and the kids were always clean dressed and fed.

My message to you is stay focused, meditate however you can, do not let what looks like disaster sway you from having faith in God and Goddess. Have you ever played that game as a child where you cross your arms and fall back into someones arms? Well that’s what you do FAITH WISE. You tell your higher self, Spirit, God, Goddess, Fairies, or whatever your pray to, to catch you. That you trust that they will not let you hit the ground. You will not hit the bottom. Even if you feel the wind pass your ears and you think that in a second you will hit… Know that you are being protected. My husband for the past few months couldn’t find work here or in California like he usually did, the landlord told us that he was selling the house and that we had 2 months to find a new place. We prayed and I did a Tarot reading that said that we would be moving and finding a job.

Within 2 days we got a new job, was able to buy a car since the old one was crap, and had the money to move. We are seriously strapped  for cash right now, but we have moved, paid the rent, paid our utilities and have food and happy kids. That’s what intension, faith and focus does. You make a plan and get what you need, and in time a bit of what you want. I hope and pray you are all doing well. Sending blessing and light to you all.

For those of you who would like to listen to the podcast now, here’s the direct link to this episode: https://db.tt/xCeAm10X

Luna Noir

The Host of The Witches Cupboard

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ARE YOU KIDDING ME!?

Posted in Affirmations, Angels, Archangels, Arizona, Chamuel, children, Faith, Feeling good, God and Goddess Worship, help, home, job, Life, Life, Love, luck, magic, manifestation, New Age, Religion, Spirit guides, tarot, Uncategorized, Wavering with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 23, 2011 by Luna Noir The Witches Cupboard

 

Every time you think that I’ve over come a hurdle the universe tries to put larger ones in front. My husband is about to be let go from his job out here in Arizona. Him working 72 hour weeks is just not enough he has been told. That’s a shame since that is all that he was willing to give. You see my husband would love to be able to give up more of his time for this job, but that would mean that he would not be home to see his two kids or his wife. The company is going to help him find a new position since as the district manager said “i feel responsible for bringing you and your family out here”. That was nice of him. (no sarcasm). So the four of us are out here,with one quiet old mini van with no air conditioning and about to have no job. There is no family out here for any of us to call on for help. Am I upset? Nope, am I worried?  I was for about 1/2 a day ( i’ve had this knowledge for about a week). Do I have hope? OH GODDESS and GOD YES! Why? Because they have never let me truly hit rock bottom. Even those times that I screamed out WHY HAVE YOU TAKEN MY BABY ! They have never let me hit the ground. My husband has even begun to truly use his abilities to manifest change, he calls on God and Goddess for help and his angels too. My kids are also working with the universe and their angels. With friends like these helping us what  do we have to fear? Nothing. BTW I must say that I’m lucky to have a husband who tries  to help his family have a better life, but isn’t willing to do destroy our family with a job that would only hurt us with out his presence here. We are very close and being here these three months and only getting to see our dad and husband for maybe an hour or two a day was so hard. We want more money, but not at the expense of loosing our relationship with each other.

Just so you know, I have been trying to get my podcast up and running and I’m sorry about the delay. Since we moved I first needed the computer to be unpacked and then my motivation has been in question. Now my husband tells me that I need a something for my iMac computer that will aid in me uploading since I had been uploading with my old PC before (still in a box somewhere). So with all this new job searching going on, I am stuck with blogging for the moment. I will have a back log of podcasts since I am continuing  to record shows. So I wager that when I do get this situation rectified, I will flood the podcast air ways with some of the most riveting shows known to man (see how flexible I am, I can even reach to kiss my own ass).

Till then I will beat down the lower energies with a mighty stick. Tell them to bite my ample ass and leave me and others who want peace in their lives the hell alone. My readings that I have given for myself have told me of this change that was about to happen, but me being such a pompous ass thought that it may have been wrong. Well I won’t do that again.  I think that’s why I should have some one give me my readings, since the ego plays such a role in how a person wants to believe in what the Oracles are trying to tell a person. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Well I’m about to record another podcast. Please if you would like to help, ask your devine deities to help with my situation as well, make sure there is some prayer to the podcast fairy to help me also upload my shows. I not will turn away  any positive help. In my life.

Thank you and Be Blessed

Luna Noir TWC

Affirmation: I see my life with all that I need, all that I want and as much as God, Goddess, and my devine Angles feel I deserve. and so it is.

WHAT THE PHUCK!!!

Posted in Affirmations, Angels, Archangels, Arizona, Chamuel, children, Faith, Feeling good, God and Goddess Worship, help, home, job, Life, Life, magic, manifestation, New Age, Religion, Spirit guides, tarot, travel, Uncategorized, Wavering with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 25, 2011 by Luna Noir The Witches Cupboard

The worst drive to my new life in Arizona.

This is was the worst drive to get out here to Arizona. I didn’t get in to details about it since the last post was regarding overcoming the horrible economic times in my life. But truly the trip was horrible. First we left 2 days  late

  1. The house we had been renting didn’t fix an issue with the bath tub (the tub liner filled with water making your footing in the shower feel like you were on a waterbed), which I slipped in twice.
  2.   When we we’re suppose to leave I was in so much pain, I went to the doctors to make sure that I hadn’t broken my shoulder. (It wasn’t but there may be some tendon damage).

Once we got on the road, My daughter and I followed my husband and son while they drove in the moving truck (that was also pulling our mini van on a trailer) (which fished tailed ALL THE WAY THERE!) in the first 3 hours my husbands moving truck  trailer blew a tire. They almost lost control of the entire truck and load. From this point I began to be so nervous that I was unable to keep myself from shaking.  When we stopped at rest stops I was so paranoid that we would be ambushed by brigands that I couldn’t sleep (my focus was on making sure we were all safe). So when I would take, literally a 15 minute nap. I would wake up and then, I would drug myself with caffeine (mountain dew was my bitch on this trip), and then when that began to fail I pulled out the no-dose, this went on through every state. We passed through Joplin and  was humbled by the destruction that I saw. Then fear came over me when we stopped there to rest and heard that there were sighted tornados, again in the same area. Couldn’t sleep with the winds shaking the car. Plus the brigands had to be looked out for. Every semi that passed my husband’s truck would almost push it over off the road. There were so many times that he almost lost control of that damn truck that I called upon every divine deity I could think of. By the third day I began to suffer with motion sickness and sleep deprivation. Next I began to take 5 hour energy drinks to keep me awake. BIG MISTAKE, HUGE!  I couldn’t fall sleep but I was too tired to drive. A vicious cycle began; I was cussing up a storm with my daughter in the car (I don’t usually do that).  Anger engulfed my every emotion and I even began to hear voices every time that I spoke with my husband on the walkie-talkie. I would ask him when the next rest stop would be and he would respond “not far” that’s when I would hear a woman’s voice say “you wish”. It freaked me the Phuck out! I didn’t know that I had overdosed on the caffeine. I didn’t know you could do that.

So after almost running the car off the side of a cliff in the mountains with my daughter in the car, my husband decided to force me to drink some Nyquil , it took two hours for it to finally knock me the PHUCK out! But when it did I was able to sleep for 8 hours at the rest stop. I never slept so hard before in my life.

By this point we were approximately 3 hour away. But my motion sickness was so severer that it took us an extra day to drive that far to our new home. Not to mention that the car that I was driving got a flat tire and had us  stopping for an extra 2 hours along the way.

My family was so nervous for us, because every time they would call the trip seemed to take longer than it was supposed to. As far as the motion sickness it didn’t go away for about a week after we arrived here in AZ.

There’s more…

When we got here to our new address the water was off and the temperature was 107 and a person from Michigan, not accustomed to that kind of heat I was dying. I had to take whore baths in the shower. Had to wash the kids that way too. My husband who had to go to work the very next day was so inconvenienced to have to go to the store to buy 5 gallon water jugs so he could wash as well. We bought a water dispenser with a hot water option so the hubs could shave in the morning.

So the water comes on and we find out, that my Godmother and uncle are on their way to stay with us (for a week), since they are on vacation . Since we had to sell everything to get down here, we didn’t have a couch for them to sleep on.  So we loaded up the car with my two kids and husband and I to go to Costco to buy a inflatable mattress. As we are going there I smell smoke and I didn’t think anything of it since there was the largest fire in AZ state history happening at that moment. Well after we got some extra food and the mattress.  We head for home my Godmother and uncle were literally 30 minutes away.  There began to be a strong smell of smoke in the car. That’s when the car began to fill with smoke and the floor board by my feet a huge fire ball was at my feat. Wait I didn’t say that correctly, A HUGE FIRE BALL SHOT UP FROM THE FLOOR BOARD!!! Heavens to murgatroyd, Here is the video of my car on fire enjoy!

Just so that you know, I didn’t let this get me down. I literally thought “hey no big deal”. This could have happened on the trip hear and my daughter and I could have perished… BTW NO INSURANCE so it’s not like I got a new car. I’m not proud of it, but when you don’t have money to take care of your family you don’t usually spend it on the chance in a million that your car will catch on fire.

So if you are a regular you know that this could have only happened to me and my family. Everyone got out safely and that is all that’s important.  But if you read this Blog on a regular basis then you know there has to be more CRAP on the way .So we are now left with a car with no air conditioning and was on its last legs when we got out here. So far I have had to learn how to change the breaks myself to save some money (I found videos on youtube to learn), saved approximately $400 on doing the job myself :-).

Now this is the part that broke the camels back. After my family left, my little family decided to go for a dip in the near by pool. It’s a 111 degrees out and we didn’t want to be inside. So as I jump into the pool, I BREAK MY LEFT INDEX FINGER!!! SCREAMING WHAT THE PHUCK!!! But that was the extent of the anger. At this point in my life I’m just accepting that my life sucks BALLS (not even smooth one prickly ones)   Also since we had gotten here to Arizona my children began to act out. Arguing with each other even when playing games they would bicker. What was going on?

I began to remember something that a reader told me, that I may have a psychic attacker trying to deliver some lower energy my way. So that is when I got pissed and had had enough. I went through all my books looking for a spell to block this lower energy. But everything that I was doing didn’t completely feel like it was addressing the problem. I decided to use a set of my Archangel oracle cards (by Doreen Virtue) so I gave myself a reading. As I have said before was raised Catholic, and I still use all of what I’ve learned to the betterment of my life. I gave myself a reading and since I had such a great result using Archangel Chamuel I thought that maybe there was another angel I could call upon. I went to Barns and Noble and looked for an angel book and once again I found Doreen Virtue, she has a book called The  Angel Therapy Handbook. (I only have the book) I began to read it and do the exercises and when I did one that required me to think of a spirit guide who is in my life influencing me and guiding me the name of Samael Came to my thoughts. I thought the name must have been wrong because I was looking to hear an angelic type of name. Well after I did this exercise I read in the book, regarding Samael, I thought to myself what a coincidence, that’s the name of my spirit guide. Apparently that is another name for Lucifer, Satan, Beelzebub, the devil.  Motherphucker are you crapping me? So not only am I being attacked by a lower energy it’s the Phucking devil who’s doing it? Well I couldn’t stop reading the book. This book

showed me how to block again lower energies effectively and how to incorporate Angels into my life.

From that day on I must say that my life has changed completely. Literally I just asked Archangel Michael and my personal guardian angels to protect me and my family (family must also ask for their own protection since it goes against their will, if they do not want protecting).  From that point on I felt the difference in the way my homes energy felt. Even my children who are normally well-behaved children became better. As I read the book I told them what I found and they themselves noticed the difference of how they were behaving.

I know that when I spoke to a few people they began to tell me that it sounded like witchcraft to them, and I would imagine that to Christians that it would be, calling upon anything other than God would be, plus this book incorporate things that are not normally associated with the Christian religion, meditation, energies, chakras, reiki, tarot cards, manifesting,  and knowing that we are all part of God and Goddess also we should know how to use that part of ourselves to influence our lives with the power we are given. I LOVE THIS BOOK. I think any Pagan or Wiccan will get a lot out of this book. Because it’s not just for Christians, it’s for everyone. The author doesn’t mention the Goddess but she doesn’t need to it’s for you to fill in the blanks of who your higher deity is. I hope you all get the book. It’s been such a help for me.

Now I’m off to give myself a reading for what I need to do today, and this week.

Bright Blessings and may God, Goddess, and your Angels be with you.

Luna

HOLY COW, GOAT, PIG, SHEEP…

Posted in Affirmations, Faith, Feeling good, Gaia, God and Goddess Worship, help, home, job, Life, Love, magic, manifestation, New Age, Religion, Spirit guides, Uncategorized, Wavering with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 5, 2011 by Luna Noir The Witches Cupboard

It has been a bit since I have posted, and with good reason. My life as you all may have read has not gone as smoothly as I think it could have. I always recap for those who may be finding this blog for the first time.

After getting done with a chapter 13 to save house, a month later I lose my job 2 weeks B4 Christmas/Yule. On my birthday a month later (for the second time in our marriage) my husband loses his job. We try to save house with unemployment (and can’t). We find out we are pregnant (excitement and more stress). Unemployment runs out for the two of us. No insurance.  We lose house.

Not the house but lets pretend 

Luckily my husband finds some freelance work to get us into a rental house,  (Loved that house) freelance has helped us to pay rent for 6months in advance. We lose the baby (crushing). Depression begins. Work dries up. Time goes bye, trying to find work.  We Don’t have next months rent, 20 days before rent is due I fall back on every part of my religious background, (I’m what I like to call the witch with a twist)

St. Joseph

So I call and pray to God and Goddess, Jesus and Mary, St. Joseph (patron saint who helps husbands find work to support their family) Angels. I go online and look for the angel who helps find work for folks (Archangel Chamuel is the guy for this) . I’m looking for a job as well as the hubs, and once I applied all the aspects of my knowledge in religion and “The Secret” Wicca, and  I now have unwavering faith. I lit candles and burned incense EVERYTHING.   Phone starts to ring. Mind you we have about $180 to our name. People that my husband tried to work for, for the past year and a half start to call. He goes on interviews and one by one each job falls through. My husband is seriously stressed I finally get him on board to pray to St. Joseph and to the Archangel Chamuel, he does, he also takes the crystals that attracts peace and relieves stress. The the phone rings for a person that my husband interviewed with in Canada in the fall. This person was not able to hire my husband because the position hadn’t opened up and then the position was terminated. This person calls and tells my husband that they gave his name to a coworker in Southfield in Michigan 20 minutes from out house tell them about how wonderful my husband would be for a job that they had opening soon there. Well she mentioned that she had told them about my husband about a month ago and just wondered if they ever called. My husband sadly didn’t get that call. The person tells my husband that he bound to  find work and to have faith,  bye. Just as that person is getting off the phone his phone rings and it the Southfield office, saying that about a month ago they received this gleaming referral regarding him and they wanted him to come in tomorrow for an interview. They loved him!!! They tell my husband that he needs to interview with like 5 other people to get the job. STRESS for hubby, Not for me. I tell him don’t worry it will be OK.  He does all 4  interviews they all give him the green light and then the last guy. Some guy in Arizona (WTH) He’s the last of the interviewers and we have to wait a week to talk to him via internet face time interview… Now we have about two weeks to go before we have to tell the owners of the house that we will not be living there anymore and to keep out first, last months rent Blah blah blah. My husband has the interview and the guys says No.

I want you to work for me here in Arizona…

That he would pay my husband more than he would make in Michigan and that he will also make a salary and commission. He flies my husband out for two weeks of training and then the other shoe dropped. The company WILL NOT pay for our relocation. We now have about $20 at least with me. because my husband didn’t have money for food out there in Arizona while in training. So now I FREAKED THE HECK OUT!!! We have a job with no way to get there. practically everyone in our families have lost their jobs or were about to. So my husband asks for some divine guidance. He get’s it in the way of an idea to get a Chipin account. It’s an account where your friends,  family anyone who wants to can help you but seeing your goal and then contributing to it. believe me it worked. Some people chip in $5.00 some $300. We needed $6,500. for truck rental and gas for truck and the car that I would be driving in. We’ll two days before we were to leave to Arizona we got all the money we needed through the help of family and friends. We got here with only $121 left to spare. Since we didn’t have any money we also included the rent for the house that we needed to have in order to have a place to live when we got here to Arizona.

So we’ve been hear and it’s been a month. We are not homeless and we are happy.

It was a crazy adventure but it wasn’t over yet. I will be posting the craziest thing that happened to us once we got here. You are going to find out why I’ve had so much bad luck and what I am doing now to fix it.

Thanks for reading, I still have to unpack a few things still, so the podcast version of this will be up in about a week.

Blessings

Luna Noir

I can't believe my baby is gone!

Posted in child, children, Faith, God and Goddess Worship, help, home, unborn, Uncategorized, Wavering with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 21, 2011 by Luna Noir The Witches Cupboard

When last I posted, I spoke about wavering faith. Now I speak about blind faith. With all that I thought could be the worst things to happen to me and my family; I was knocked down a few more pegs after getting my first ultra sound after 16 weeks of pregnancy. (I know what you’re thinking) why did I wait so long?!) I had no choice in the matter. With no insurance I was turned away from every place I thought was supposed to help me.

The state of Michigan government agencies are run worse than the FBI, CIA and Homeland security during 9/11. No one knew who I was supposed to talk to or who I could call for information. I made so many calls to DHS, Planned Parenthood, OBGYN offices in general, just trying to get help. That finally after praying for help, I called the city of Lansing spoke to God only knows and was told that all the places I had called should have directed me to Herman Kiefer. Where everything I needed could easily have been taken care of. I was told that every agency I spoke with has a list that they could have looked at if they were so inclined to help me. But even after that, I still had to wait 2 extra weeks to see a nurse then make my appointment for the ultra sound.

I did everything that I was told, and when I went to the ultra sound with my mother (the hubs had to work) I was so excited because we might have been able to see the sex of the baby… I had so many thoughts of how I would call my husband to tease him on what we were going to have, and then how would I tell the kids. I thought of making them a white cake and there in the middle of the cake would be either blur or pink frosting or something that would indicate the sex of the baby.

So as I lay down on the table, and exposed my belly for the ultrasound tech to begin her work, she asked me if I was from the outpatient clinic. Yes I am… She began the ultrasound, with a squirt of warm jelly on my belly and then, she began to run the Doppler over my pelvis for about 3 minutes and then she said she was checking my ovaries, and I told her to tell me once she would begin to look at the baby. She agreed, and after another 3 minutes looking around my ovaries she told me that she was now about to check the baby… About 10-15 seconds (no exaggeration) she stopped and said that she needed to get the doctor. She asked me when was my first confirmation of pregnancy and when I told her she left the room. I was freaked out and so was my mom. She hardly looked at the baby before she walked out the door. I thought that perhaps she saw a tumor or fibroids, or something like that. The Doctor came in put the Doppler on my tummy and within 5-7 seconds said I have good news and bad news. I immediately said what’s the good news? She said the baby is developed, I then said “what’s the bad news?” The doctor said “It stopped (Developing), sorry about that, we need you to pull up your pants and the ultrasound tech will take you to the next room, so they can tell you about your options. Again, sorry”.

I looked at my mother in bewilderment and I kinda remember wiping my belly and pulling up my pants. The tech was guiding me to the room next door and I recall asking to go to the restroom. My head began to spin. Just like that, with the words “I have good news and bad news”, my life was turned upside down.

I sat in the room next to the ultrasound room and waited what seemed like forever. Waiting for the phone to ring that would tell me that my baby was dead. The phone did ring and a doctor did call me and began to prattle off all sorts of ways for me to expel the lifeless body that was in my belly, she rattled off words like D & C, misoprostol, surgery or just go home and wait for it to come out on its own. Would you like fries with that or to biggy size it??? It was so nonchalant, I’ve had more remorse from a sales clerk not having shoes in my size than these assholes who just announced that my baby was dead.

I clearly was in shock but I don’t think that this bitch even thought or cared about that. “So what do you want to do”? Um I can’t make a decision right now, was my answer. I think that I need some time to think. “Um ok just call me tomorrow, with your decision, Sorry about this “. I was devastated; I couldn’t believe what I was going through. I called my husband and he was so upset how I was treated. My mother sat there with me in the same shock that I was. She told me that I needed a second opinion. This was for sure.

So I went home and my thinking was, if I have miscarried then like the women on the phone said I can just wait for nature to run its course and the baby will come out on its own and if they are wrong, then I can give the baby some time to grow a bit and have a heartbeat. You may be thinking right now that Luna has lost her mind. But in a way I have. I couldn’t comprehend that these heartless bitches could be right, so I went home with the idea that there must be a reason for this shit to be happening. I was home for a week and I swear that I thought that I could feel the baby move just like before the ultrasound.

I told my husband that I wanted to wait until my next doctors appointment to come around and then I would go and get another ultrasound, then I would be sure that the baby had had a chance to either grow or then I would know without a shadow of  a doubt, the baby was gone. Well he called the doctors office to tell them what I was planning on doing, and within about 15 minutes I received a call telling me to come to the hospital the very next day for another look at the baby to see if there was a heartbeat and that they were sorry for how I was treated the last time I was there. So I went to the hospital with my husband, and I was given the proper amount of time for the ultrasound and I saw that the baby was there with no heartbeat. This time around with another doctor, I was treated like a person. Not like an animal. I was still so terribly sad. Because the days that I was at home I prayed so much to God and Goddess and to all the divine beings in heaven and on earth. But to no avail.

I think it’s been 4 days since I went to the hospital and got the D&C but I still touch my belly like if I still had my precious little Blueberry (that was my nickname for the baby). I can’t believe that after all the terrible times I have had in my life for the past couple of years, losing the jobs, losing the house, losing so much that I could still be brought even lower.

The reason for me posting this isn’t to show you how bitter, sad, depressed, angry or tired I am of all this shit that has happened to me and my family. But to show you that despite all this my faith in God and the Goddess is still as strong if not stronger by it.

After I left that hospital the first time, I went home and begged, prayed, and pleaded with the God/dess to make Blueberry well. To let that bitch who gave me my “good news, bad news” to be fucking wrong! I also prayed that if I had to lose my baby to at least trade me something for the pain that I would endure in the coming months and possibly years… To trade me a better world for my kids that I have now, and for a better kind of people on this planet for my future baby. That’s what I asked for. I went to sleep every night in tears, I walked around the house in tears all day long, until the morning of the D&C when I got up and felt completely numb. I had so many people praying for me and my family, that I truly felt like I was being shielded against the fear, and pain that was about to come. I have never had surgery before, never had to deal with this kind of situation ever before in my life. On this day I woke up and got dressed and I noticed that I was being taken care of by God and the Goddess. I understand the poem the footprints in the sand now. I was not alone nor have I ever been.

We have moved from that horrible neighborhood to a very nice one. Not once have I heard gunfire, or someone yelling outside because of being intoxicated or on drugs, not one prostitute walks in front of my house either. My husband had gotten a part time job that got us into a rental property that is awesome.  The kid’s school is closer, and the kids are looking forward to having friends come over. My life has taken some of the worst turns I have ever had to face. But not once was I alone to handle it. I am holding my hand out to God and Goddess to help me with the pain of losing my baby and though it is way too soon for me to feel the difference in healing I know that I will someday. I have two footprints in the sand and not one of them are mine.

One night a man had a dream. He dreamed

he was walking along the beach with the LORD.

Across the sky flashed scenes from his life.

For each scene he noticed two sets of

footprints in the sand: one belonging

to him, and the other to the LORD.

When the last scene of his life flashed before him,

he looked back at the footprints in the sand

He noticed that many times along the path of

his life there was only one set of footprints.

He also noticed that it happened at the very

lowest and saddest times in his life.

This really bothered him and he

questioned the LORD about it:

“LORD, you said that once I decided to follow

you, you’d walk with me all the way.

But I have noticed that during the most

troublesome times in my life,

there is only one set of footprints.

I don’t understand why when

I needed you most you would leave me.”

The LORD replied:

“My son, my precious child,

I love you and I would never leave you.

During your times of trial and suffering,

when you see only one set of footprints,

it was then that I carried you.”

Blessed Be

Luna Noir

I can’t believe my baby is gone!

Posted in child, children, Faith, God and Goddess Worship, help, home, unborn, Uncategorized, Wavering with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 21, 2011 by Luna Noir The Witches Cupboard

When last I posted, I spoke about wavering faith. Now I speak about blind faith. With all that I thought could be the worst things to happen to me and my family; I was knocked down a few more pegs after getting my first ultra sound after 16 weeks of pregnancy. (I know what you’re thinking) why did I wait so long?!) I had no choice in the matter. With no insurance I was turned away from every place I thought was supposed to help me.

The state of Michigan government agencies are run worse than the FBI, CIA and Homeland security during 9/11. No one knew who I was supposed to talk to or who I could call for information. I made so many calls to DHS, Planned Parenthood, OBGYN offices in general, just trying to get help. That finally after praying for help, I called the city of Lansing spoke to God only knows and was told that all the places I had called should have directed me to Herman Kiefer. Where everything I needed could easily have been taken care of. I was told that every agency I spoke with has a list that they could have looked at if they were so inclined to help me. But even after that, I still had to wait 2 extra weeks to see a nurse then make my appointment for the ultra sound.

I did everything that I was told, and when I went to the ultra sound with my mother (the hubs had to work) I was so excited because we might have been able to see the sex of the baby… I had so many thoughts of how I would call my husband to tease him on what we were going to have, and then how would I tell the kids. I thought of making them a white cake and there in the middle of the cake would be either blur or pink frosting or something that would indicate the sex of the baby.

So as I lay down on the table, and exposed my belly for the ultrasound tech to begin her work, she asked me if I was from the outpatient clinic. Yes I am… She began the ultrasound, with a squirt of warm jelly on my belly and then, she began to run the Doppler over my pelvis for about 3 minutes and then she said she was checking my ovaries, and I told her to tell me once she would begin to look at the baby. She agreed, and after another 3 minutes looking around my ovaries she told me that she was now about to check the baby… About 10-15 seconds (no exaggeration) she stopped and said that she needed to get the doctor. She asked me when was my first confirmation of pregnancy and when I told her she left the room. I was freaked out and so was my mom. She hardly looked at the baby before she walked out the door. I thought that perhaps she saw a tumor or fibroids, or something like that. The Doctor came in put the Doppler on my tummy and within 5-7 seconds said I have good news and bad news. I immediately said what’s the good news? She said the baby is developed, I then said “what’s the bad news?” The doctor said “It stopped (Developing), sorry about that, we need you to pull up your pants and the ultrasound tech will take you to the next room, so they can tell you about your options. Again, sorry”.

I looked at my mother in bewilderment and I kinda remember wiping my belly and pulling up my pants. The tech was guiding me to the room next door and I recall asking to go to the restroom. My head began to spin. Just like that, with the words “I have good news and bad news”, my life was turned upside down.

I sat in the room next to the ultrasound room and waited what seemed like forever. Waiting for the phone to ring that would tell me that my baby was dead. The phone did ring and a doctor did call me and began to prattle off all sorts of ways for me to expel the lifeless body that was in my belly, she rattled off words like D & C, misoprostol, surgery or just go home and wait for it to come out on its own. Would you like fries with that or to biggy size it??? It was so nonchalant, I’ve had more remorse from a sales clerk not having shoes in my size than these assholes who just announced that my baby was dead.

I clearly was in shock but I don’t think that this bitch even thought or cared about that. “So what do you want to do”? Um I can’t make a decision right now, was my answer. I think that I need some time to think. “Um ok just call me tomorrow, with your decision, Sorry about this “. I was devastated; I couldn’t believe what I was going through. I called my husband and he was so upset how I was treated. My mother sat there with me in the same shock that I was. She told me that I needed a second opinion. This was for sure.

So I went home and my thinking was, if I have miscarried then like the women on the phone said I can just wait for nature to run its course and the baby will come out on its own and if they are wrong, then I can give the baby some time to grow a bit and have a heartbeat. You may be thinking right now that Luna has lost her mind. But in a way I have. I couldn’t comprehend that these heartless bitches could be right, so I went home with the idea that there must be a reason for this shit to be happening. I was home for a week and I swear that I thought that I could feel the baby move just like before the ultrasound.

I told my husband that I wanted to wait until my next doctors appointment to come around and then I would go and get another ultrasound, then I would be sure that the baby had had a chance to either grow or then I would know without a shadow of  a doubt, the baby was gone. Well he called the doctors office to tell them what I was planning on doing, and within about 15 minutes I received a call telling me to come to the hospital the very next day for another look at the baby to see if there was a heartbeat and that they were sorry for how I was treated the last time I was there. So I went to the hospital with my husband, and I was given the proper amount of time for the ultrasound and I saw that the baby was there with no heartbeat. This time around with another doctor, I was treated like a person. Not like an animal. I was still so terribly sad. Because the days that I was at home I prayed so much to God and Goddess and to all the divine beings in heaven and on earth. But to no avail.

I think it’s been 4 days since I went to the hospital and got the D&C but I still touch my belly like if I still had my precious little Blueberry (that was my nickname for the baby). I can’t believe that after all the terrible times I have had in my life for the past couple of years, losing the jobs, losing the house, losing so much that I could still be brought even lower.

The reason for me posting this isn’t to show you how bitter, sad, depressed, angry or tired I am of all this shit that has happened to me and my family. But to show you that despite all this my faith in God and the Goddess is still as strong if not stronger by it.

After I left that hospital the first time, I went home and begged, prayed, and pleaded with the God/dess to make Blueberry well. To let that bitch who gave me my “good news, bad news” to be fucking wrong! I also prayed that if I had to lose my baby to at least trade me something for the pain that I would endure in the coming months and possibly years… To trade me a better world for my kids that I have now, and for a better kind of people on this planet for my future baby. That’s what I asked for. I went to sleep every night in tears, I walked around the house in tears all day long, until the morning of the D&C when I got up and felt completely numb. I had so many people praying for me and my family, that I truly felt like I was being shielded against the fear, and pain that was about to come. I have never had surgery before, never had to deal with this kind of situation ever before in my life. On this day I woke up and got dressed and I noticed that I was being taken care of by God and the Goddess. I understand the poem the footprints in the sand now. I was not alone nor have I ever been.

We have moved from that horrible neighborhood to a very nice one. Not once have I heard gunfire, or someone yelling outside because of being intoxicated or on drugs, not one prostitute walks in front of my house either. My husband had gotten a part time job that got us into a rental property that is awesome.  The kid’s school is closer, and the kids are looking forward to having friends come over. My life has taken some of the worst turns I have ever had to face. But not once was I alone to handle it. I am holding my hand out to God and Goddess to help me with the pain of losing my baby and though it is way too soon for me to feel the difference in healing I know that I will someday. I have two footprints in the sand and not one of them are mine.

One night a man had a dream. He dreamed

he was walking along the beach with the LORD.

Across the sky flashed scenes from his life.

For each scene he noticed two sets of

footprints in the sand: one belonging

to him, and the other to the LORD.

When the last scene of his life flashed before him,

he looked back at the footprints in the sand

He noticed that many times along the path of

his life there was only one set of footprints.

He also noticed that it happened at the very

lowest and saddest times in his life.

This really bothered him and he

questioned the LORD about it:

“LORD, you said that once I decided to follow

you, you’d walk with me all the way.

But I have noticed that during the most

troublesome times in my life,

there is only one set of footprints.

I don’t understand why when

I needed you most you would leave me.”

The LORD replied:

“My son, my precious child,

I love you and I would never leave you.

During your times of trial and suffering,

when you see only one set of footprints,

it was then that I carried you.”

Blessed Be

Luna Noir

Wavering Faith

Posted in child, children, Faith, home, job, unborn, Uncategorized, Wavering with tags , , , , , , , , , on January 11, 2011 by Luna Noir The Witches Cupboard

Begging for God to catch me and my  family before we hit the ground.

 

I didn’t even check to see what the last thing was that I posted. I have just been trying to keep hope alive. May sound corny but life has taken such a turn for the worse in my life these past two years. No job for me, no insurance, no unemployment, and now I am about to be evicted from my house  in about 18 days. My husband had found a job but only for 6 weeks and now even with the money he is bringing in we have saved everything and we still have no place to go since we can’t afford anything. Credit is down the crapper and now i have to find out what to do with my pets. When times were good I thought that I would be able to afford to take care of 3 cats that I adopted from a shelter. I feel like such a failure. I have been trying to keep up the faith, and I have been, the time is getting way to close for comfort.

I have so much that is on my mind i can’t keep my thoughts straight ( can you tell by my rambling writing)? I have two children who are the best, who didn’t complain when they only got 1 gift for Christmas each. They looked at me and smiled over their gifts. not a complaint from their lips. As a matter of fact they thought of their friends who only received a pack of socks for CHristmas and how they wanted to save up their money to get them a ps3 so that at least they can share their video games with them. They said we can rent out our games to them for free. Every weekend switching the games for them. (did i mention i have the best kids on earth)?

I think i mentioned that I was with child. Great news since I know that I will have yet another child who will brighten my day… I am just a bit frustrated that I have yet to get any prenatal care. I called to get on Medicaid but was told that I have to contact a woman from Plan First (which does not provide prenatal care) so I have left messages for this woman since DHS office told me to call her and that was in December. She was on vacation and was to return on January 4th but she still hasn’t called me… DHS won’t help and every place that I have tried to get help from won’t touch me with out insurance. So I am almost 3 months along and I have no clue when I wil have care for my baby. I am trying to not cry and stress for the babys sake but it is getting harder by the minute.

I am just waiting for God to answer the many prayers that I and my kids and hubby have sent…

I could use a small miracle or an end to my misery. I just want to have a safe place to live and food on the table and healthcare for my kids and my unborn child. I could use some help.

Blessing to everyone